The Pool Bag Is Never Just a Pool Bag
There’s a Bluey episode called “The Pool” that might be one of the most accurate portrayals of the mental load I’ve ever seen.
Bandit decides to take Bluey and Bingo swimming.
He’s the fun parent.
The spontaneous parent.
The “We don’t need to plan everything - let’s just go!” parent.
Except when they arrive, Bandit realizes he forgot a few things.
The towels.
The sunscreen.
The goggles.
The pool toys.
The snacks.
You know - all the boring things that make a spontaneous family outing actually enjoyable.
Then Chilli arrives with everything they need and saves the day.
By the end of the episode, Bluey realizes that boring things are important.
It’s a cute lesson for kids.
And a slightly triggering lesson for every default parent watching from the couch. 😂
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Because Chilli didn’t magically know what everyone would need.
She had to think through the entire outing before anyone left the house.
She had to remember what to pack, gather everything, and bring it to the pool.
That is the mental load.
It isn’t just carrying the pool bag.
It’s remembering that the pool bag needs to be packed in the first place.
The Invisible Work Behind the Fun
Family life is full of Bandit-and-Chilli moments.
One parent says, “Let’s go to the park!”
The other starts mentally calculating:
Do we have water?
Does our daughter need to use the bathroom first?
Do we need to bring jackets?
Did I replace the snacks she ate out of the park bag last time?
Where are her shoes? Or even, what shoes can she comfortably play in?
Suddenly, “Let’s go to the park” has created 11 new tasks - and the person who suggested it may not even realize those tasks exist.
That’s the part of the mental load that can be so difficult to explain.
It isn’t only the physical work of packing the bag, making the appointment, or buying the toothpaste.
It’s noticing that something needs to be done.
It’s anticipating what everyone will need.
It’s remembering the details.
And sometimes, it’s hearing, “You should have just asked me for help.”
Which sounds reasonable until you realize that asking for help is another task.
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When “Helping” Isn’t Really Sharing
I don’t think most partners intentionally ignore the mental load.
Honestly, I think a lot of this happens because one person has always handled certain responsibilities, so everyone else stops seeing them.
The default parent becomes the household search engine.
Where are her shoes?
Are we out of dog food?
Do we need to bring anything?
What’s for dinner?
And even when someone offers to help, the default parent may still be responsible for noticing the task, assigning it, explaining it, and following up.
That isn’t shared ownership.
That’s management.
Real ownership sounds like:
“I’ll handle preschool lunches.”
Not:
“Tell me what to pack.”
It sounds like:
“I’ll schedule the vet appointment and add it to the calendar.”
Not:
“Remind me to call the vet.”
It sounds like:
“I’ll get everything ready for the pool.”
Not:
“Why didn’t you tell me we needed towels?”
The goal isn’t for one parent to occasionally help the person managing the household.
The goal is for both people to recognize what the household needs—and take complete ownership of making it happen.
This Week’s Challenge: Give Away One Entire Job
This week, identify one recurring responsibility you’re carrying and transfer complete ownership of it to someone else in your household.
Not just the final task.
The entire mental load attached to it.
That includes:
Noticing when it needs to happen
Planning what is required
Remembering important dates or details
Completing the task
It could be:
Scheduling and managing vet appointments
Keeping household toiletries stocked
Handling one child’s activity schedule
Planning dinners two nights a week
Buying birthday gifts
Keeping track of pet food and medications
Here’s the hard part:
Once you hand it over, resist the urge to continue managing it from the sidelines.
Yes, this might mean the task is completed differently than you would do it.
Different doesn’t automatically mean wrong.
But handing someone a checklist while continuing to monitor every step? That’s not giving away the mental load. That’s supervising it.
IRL: I’m Still Learning This Too
I would love to tell you that I’ve completely mastered this in my own home.
I have not.
I still catch myself automatically taking responsibility for things simply because I’m used to being the person who notices them.
I’ll start thinking through everything our daughter needs before we leave the house while simultaneously remembering that we’re almost out of dog food, someone needs to schedule an appointment, and there’s something in the refrigerator we need to use before it goes bad.
Then someone asks me where their charger is, and suddenly I’m one minor inconvenience away from moving into the woods. 😂
Sometimes my family isn’t refusing to help.
They genuinely don’t know everything I’m carrying because I’ve become so efficient at carrying it quietly.
That doesn’t mean it should remain my responsibility.
But it does mean I have to communicate what I need - and allow other people to truly own things without expecting them to read my mind or do everything exactly my way.
Sharing the mental load takes more than one conversation.
It takes practice, communication, and a willingness from everyone involved to notice the boring things.
Because, as Bluey learns, the boring things are important.
And the person remembering them deserves to enjoy the pool, too.
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Your Turn
Are you the Chilli in your family?
What is one responsibility you wish someone else would notice without being asked?
Hit reply and tell me. I have a feeling many of us are quietly carrying the same things.
And if this newsletter made you think of another default parent, forward it to them - or share it with the Bandit in your life. 😉
Until next week,
Kailey
The Default Parent
P.S. If someone forwarded this to you, subscribe to The Default Parent for honest conversations, practical family tools, and realistic ways to make parenting feel a little less overwhelming.
